Mental Health Awareness

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. So let’s talk about my mental health! 😬 

I talked about it before, but I had some major anxiety and depression after Bruce was born. I went to therapy and it really helped me understand a lot of things about myself. I learned how to cope with my anxiety and manage my moods. But it opened up some things in my past and helped me realize that I had been living with anxiety for years and I wasn’t coping in a healthy way. 

My anxiety started when I was a teenager. My parents split up and I didn’t know how to cope with that. I became emotionally shut off and I never let anyone see anything but happiness. I believed that if I cracked just a little and showed some type of vulnerability, people would be able to hurt me. I had friends but I always felt like they were around because of my older brother. When people showed the tiniest interest in me, I felt like they were just trying to get my walls down to use it against me. Looking back now, it’s so exhausting to be so damn guarded all the time. I was only 16! Of course I had all the normal insecure teenager bullshit but on top of that my anxiety about people and my family had me fucking wrecked.

I am not going into details about some things that occurred in my life that caused my anxiety to heighten just yet. Maybe in another post. Some of it is just too personal to dive into with strangers. Some of it is just bat fucking shit crazy! But I had been living with anxiety and had no idea. I would have anxiety attacks and I thought that it was normal. I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and have nightmares about my younger siblings all the time. After having Bruce, I was experiencing these crazy feelings and they felt familiar. When I finally shared everything with my therapist, she helped me see it all. I had been dealing with anxiety as a teenager and eventually I was able to numb myself to it but I never dealt with it in a healthy way. So when I became a mother it came flooding back to me. I finally had a name, a reason, a cause, for why I was having a hard time mothering my sweet boy. 

So with the help of therapy, I’ve been able to manage my anxiety without medication (for now). Of course I have some rough days when I can’t leave my apartment and I lay in bed with some heavy doubt and worry. But I finally know what’s going on and fight it. It’s so important to take care of your mental health! Talk about it! Let’s break the stigma! You’re never alone. See a therapist. Take the medication if you need to. Write in a journal. TALK! I honestly can’t say it enough. I wish that I talked about how I felt when I was a kid. Instead I resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms and that’s resulted in a lot of unresolved issues that I had to confront at 27! So one more time just in case you missed it. TALK ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. You always have an open line here! 🖤✌🏾

Heigh Ho! It’s off to work I go...

A mom friend once mentioned that she was going through some financial struggles and she felt like she was the only one. To her, the rest of us seemed like we had our shit together. I felt bad that she thought she was alone. I understand that we always want to put our best foot forward and on social media we love to share ONLY the good. But when you become a single income family, your financial priorities definitely shift. 

Before I gave birth, the plan was for me to go back to work full time. A little background for those of you who don’t know. I was working at Starbucks as a supervisor. I had a plan to finish my development into a management position. That job was my baby before Bruce. I worked really fucking hard and I loved what I did. Of course after Bruce was born, my “passion” for that job totally disappeared. I didn’t want to go back to work, I wanted to stay home. But could we financially make this happen? After spending a lot of time researching child care and budgeting out the costs, it didn’t make sense for me to continue to work at a job that I no longer loved, to pay for the child care I would need to stay at said job. So after my maternity leave, I turned in my letter of resignation and gave away my aprons. 

Okay fast forward to now times. Unfortunately for us, Tyler was laid off from his job. Let me tell you... this shit is so scary. The company he worked for was being absorbed and they needed to downsize. So he knew that it was coming and we were able to prepare as much as we could. But we had to come up with a contingency plan if he wasn’t able to find a job soon enough. I knew that I would be eligible for rehire at Starbucks and I knew that I made enough working there to cover us for a while. Money would be really fucking tight but I knew we could make it work. And now she’s back at Starbucks full time, slinging beans and kicking ass. It’s hard to get up at 3a and leave Bruce. I miss him all day long. But you know, a momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do.

Anyway I just wanted to share that. It doesn’t matter what shit people post on IG or what they may look like when you see them. They have struggles too. You are not alone when it comes to financial struggles, body issues, PPD, or having an annoying ass husband. Reach out to your friends and talk. You never know, she might be going through the same shit as you. 🤷🏽‍♀️

shirt- @herlittlewolves  

shirt- @herlittlewolves  

Insomnia is a B*TCH!

It’s 1:59am. It’s so damn cold but I’m scared to turn the heater on because of carbon monoxide poisoning and I don’t trust the alarm. So I’ve checked on Bruce four, maybe five, times to make sure he’s warm and cozy. My anxiety has been out of control the last few days. I can’t seem to get a hold on what is triggering it. It could be sleep deprivation, we are going through a rough sleep regression. And of course when my anxiety gets wild, I can’t sleep. Which is why I’m here now.

Hi. So how’s it going? How’s motherhood for all of you? It’s been an adventure here. Bruce just had his 12 month check up. I was really excited for him to see his doctor, I love her she’s the best. Bruce is a solid 21 pounds and 30.9 inches. They measured his height twice because they were surprised at how tall he is. My poor little guy had to get some vaccines. It was tough but he did great and we treated him to ice cream afterwards. When I was a kid I hated getting shots. I would fight the nurses every time. I would scream and cry. My parents could tell you some horror stories about me. They could tell you a lot of terrible things... LOL! My mom told me I was going to get a child just like me. Sweet Jesus, I hope not. I wasn’t a bad kid but I definitely wasn’t an angel. I was free spirited! I cut my own hair, I liked to tell “stories”, and I beat up some kid who lived down the street. But each time (yes it was more than once) he deserved it. If Bruce is anything like me, it’ll be fine! I know all the tricks that I pulled as a kid so I’ll be prepared. 

I’m finally feeling a bit tired now. I’m gonna check on Bruce one last time before I finally retire. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! 

Motherhood-Five out of Five Stars

I’ve  been trying to write this recap of my first year of motherhood and it’s been so hard. I cry all the time. This has been the biggest year of my life. Obviously becoming a mom to the most amazing little boy, has been the highlight! We left the small town where we met & got married, for new opportunities in LA. And I quit the full time job I had for 8 years to be a stay at home mom. I’ve learned so much about myself as a mother and women and I’m ready for whatever comes next. 

I’m sure you’ve heard this or read it somewhere and it’s really annoying but the time goes by so fast. I hate saying cliche things! But it really does speed by! I definitely miss the days when Bruce would take like six long naps. It was so nice. Now he’s a wild animal and I’m lucky if he gets a second nap. But it’s so fun! So far watching him learn and try new things has been my favorite thing this year. He loves to be outside. We take walks everyday and he loves to say hi to dogs and watch big kids play. He’s so inquisitive and wants to explore everything. He’s my little adventure baby and I love that.

I know it goes without saying but motherhood isn’t all good times, rainbows, and sunshine. I haven’t written about it a lot but I have shared with some friends about being diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. It was definitely a darker side of motherhood that I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know until I started seeing a therapist, but I have been living with anxiety my whole life. I remember having such a hard time sleeping because I had stress induced dreams about work. I used to grind my teeth in my sleep. I would get so nervous about going somewhere that I wouldn’t go. I would totally flake out, even if I actually wanted to go. When I was pregnant my anxiety was overwhelming. Moving to a new city was already stressful, but being pregnant and living in a new place had me hiding in my apartment for days. After Bruce was born, my anxiety spiked. Again, never wanting to leave the house, but I wouldn’t sleep for days. I would lay in bed sobbing for hours. I questioned if I was good enough to be a mom. I felt like I was being a terrible wife. My attention was hyper focused on Bruce and when it wasn’t, I was hiding in the shower crying. It took me a long time to figure out that what I was experiencing wasn’t just baby blues. I started to see a therapist and it has been the best thing for my mental health. It has made me more aware of my anxiety and has showed me the best ways to cope with it. 

One of the biggest challenges this year was balancing my new mom job, and my current one as a wife. It doesn’t matter how solid your relationship is, when you become parents, you will be tested. There were so many times I would want to choke my husband. Granted, my short temper and irritability stemmed from the lack of sleep and my anxiety. And once I was able to manage my PPD & anxiety that made me irrationally angry like 78% of the time, (the other 22% was him actually being annoying) I saw how much he was trying to be helpful and navigate his part of our parenthood journey. On top of the emotional stress we were both dealing with, we decided it was best for our family if I quit my full time job to stay home with Bruce. That meant Tyler taking on all of the financial responsibility. We created a budget and stopped spending money on unnecessary things. I was so used to spending my money how and when I wanted. I couldn’t just buy makeup or shoes because I wanted them anymore. Changing our family income was rough and we’re still trying to navigate our budget correctly. But quitting my job to stay home has been so rewarding. I’m so fortunate for this. 

This year has been so wild. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. Even though I had PPD & I’m still learning to manage my anxiety, it has taught me so much about myself. I’m a stronger mother and women for that. I’m so excited for this next year and all the adventures with Bruce and Tyler! Here’s to my first year of being a mom! CHEERS! 🥂

His Breathing is Annoying AF

Sometimes I want the throat punch my husband. He can’t ever find his shit or remember to close the bathroom door so Bruce doesn’t play in the toilet. But he can tell you what comic issue Batman and Superman became best buds and formed The Justice League. WTF. Marriage (or any long term commitment) has its ups and downs but when you throw a baby in that bitch, it gets wild.

I know I don’t have to say this but I will for all you basic ass Betties. “I LoVe mY hUsBaND hE’s tHe bEsT! I KnOw i’M lUcKy tO hAvE sUcH a SuPpOrTiVe mAn…” Blah blah blah… he still gets on my damn nerves and sometimes I hate him.

It’s okay to feel like your baby daddy is annoying as shit. I guess it’s something that happens all the time after you have a baby. So you’re not alone my mom friend! Just like pregnancy and motherhood, everyone wants to share the good and pretty stuff. But they aren’t willing to talk about the rough patches and the ugly parts. Now don’t get it twisted homegirl, I’m not talking shit about my husband and there’s no dirty laundry to air out. This is the reality. My husband is annoying as fuck.

It’s totally irrational and I’m sure it has a lot to do with hormones and sleep deprivation, but man sometimes he pisses me off. Like skin burning, seething anger over weird small things. Like after a long day with Bruce being extra clingy, my husband tried to comfort me by putting his hand on my shoulder. I literally recoiled. I was so angry. Bruce had been attached to my tit all damn day and I wanted my body to be mine for a second and HE TOUCHED ME! HE FUCKING TOUCHED ME! I’M GONNA MURDER HIM! Or when he’s rushing me to get out the door and I’m trying to get a diaper bag packed, a onesie on a feisty 6 month old, and put on concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes. Or like when he is breathing too loud near me. I want to smother him.

So of course these little annoyances build up. And then one day I looked at him and I was like, I hate his guts. Now obviously I don’t hate my husband. There is no reason to hate him. He’s a great man, husband, and most importantly, dad. So I had to take a moment to figure out what the fuck was up. I was getting annoyed when he wouldn’t do things the way I do them. So I had to remind myself that he is trying to help the way he thinks is best. And that’s fine! You don’t have to micromanage your husband. That's not cool sis. And I would get so fucking irritated when he slept in on the weekends. I was up every single day at 6a with Bruce no matter what time I went to bed. But I was letting that happen! I didn’t wake him up or tell him I wanted to sleep in. I needed to be more vocal about my needs and how he could help me. Once I wasn’t bottling things up anymore, I stopped hating him. (he’s still annoying…)

Now I’m not a marriage counselor or a therapist. This is my experience and I’m sharing it for solidarity. If you actually hate your husband, I would advise you to seek some professional help and get that shit resolved sweetie. If you have never, not once, been so annoyed by your husband, then congratulations, you’re a fucking angel, good for you bitch.

What is the most annoying thing your husband has done?