Heigh Ho! It’s off to work I go...

A mom friend once mentioned that she was going through some financial struggles and she felt like she was the only one. To her, the rest of us seemed like we had our shit together. I felt bad that she thought she was alone. I understand that we always want to put our best foot forward and on social media we love to share ONLY the good. But when you become a single income family, your financial priorities definitely shift. 

Before I gave birth, the plan was for me to go back to work full time. A little background for those of you who don’t know. I was working at Starbucks as a supervisor. I had a plan to finish my development into a management position. That job was my baby before Bruce. I worked really fucking hard and I loved what I did. Of course after Bruce was born, my “passion” for that job totally disappeared. I didn’t want to go back to work, I wanted to stay home. But could we financially make this happen? After spending a lot of time researching child care and budgeting out the costs, it didn’t make sense for me to continue to work at a job that I no longer loved, to pay for the child care I would need to stay at said job. So after my maternity leave, I turned in my letter of resignation and gave away my aprons. 

Okay fast forward to now times. Unfortunately for us, Tyler was laid off from his job. Let me tell you... this shit is so scary. The company he worked for was being absorbed and they needed to downsize. So he knew that it was coming and we were able to prepare as much as we could. But we had to come up with a contingency plan if he wasn’t able to find a job soon enough. I knew that I would be eligible for rehire at Starbucks and I knew that I made enough working there to cover us for a while. Money would be really fucking tight but I knew we could make it work. And now she’s back at Starbucks full time, slinging beans and kicking ass. It’s hard to get up at 3a and leave Bruce. I miss him all day long. But you know, a momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do.

Anyway I just wanted to share that. It doesn’t matter what shit people post on IG or what they may look like when you see them. They have struggles too. You are not alone when it comes to financial struggles, body issues, PPD, or having an annoying ass husband. Reach out to your friends and talk. You never know, she might be going through the same shit as you. 🤷🏽‍♀️

shirt- @herlittlewolves  

shirt- @herlittlewolves  

MOM BOD

Let’s talk about MOM BODS. 

I follow this momma on Instagram, @somethingcustom, who has the coolest content and the cutest babe who is like a day older than Bruce. She’s so cute you guys, seriously! The other day she posted a picture of her mom bod and it literally sparked something in me. I have been so hard on myself about my body after giving birth. I have not accepted this new body as quickly as I thought I would. It is so hard for me to look at myself and be okay with what I see in the mirror. Sure, I could work out more & change my eating habits but it’s not just about the weight. Your body completely changes after you give birth. My hips are wider, my boobs are bigger & with that comes saggy baggies (😑), and I’m a freaking tiger with all these damn stretch marks. For the things I don’t have that Kim K coin for, I need to learn to accept. And I want to help other moms, and women in general, learn to love and accept the stretch marks, and saggy baggies you can’t change. It’s time to love our mom bods. They have created and sustained not only our own life but someone else’s. It’s amazing. You’re beautiful, your body has done a beautiful thing! Love her and treat her with kindness. And don’t be afraid to show her! The more we show her off and normalize the realities of motherhood, the easier it is for everyone to accept it and the less critical we are of ourselves. So here’s my freaking mom bod!

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Motherhood-Five out of Five Stars

I’ve  been trying to write this recap of my first year of motherhood and it’s been so hard. I cry all the time. This has been the biggest year of my life. Obviously becoming a mom to the most amazing little boy, has been the highlight! We left the small town where we met & got married, for new opportunities in LA. And I quit the full time job I had for 8 years to be a stay at home mom. I’ve learned so much about myself as a mother and women and I’m ready for whatever comes next. 

I’m sure you’ve heard this or read it somewhere and it’s really annoying but the time goes by so fast. I hate saying cliche things! But it really does speed by! I definitely miss the days when Bruce would take like six long naps. It was so nice. Now he’s a wild animal and I’m lucky if he gets a second nap. But it’s so fun! So far watching him learn and try new things has been my favorite thing this year. He loves to be outside. We take walks everyday and he loves to say hi to dogs and watch big kids play. He’s so inquisitive and wants to explore everything. He’s my little adventure baby and I love that.

I know it goes without saying but motherhood isn’t all good times, rainbows, and sunshine. I haven’t written about it a lot but I have shared with some friends about being diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. It was definitely a darker side of motherhood that I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know until I started seeing a therapist, but I have been living with anxiety my whole life. I remember having such a hard time sleeping because I had stress induced dreams about work. I used to grind my teeth in my sleep. I would get so nervous about going somewhere that I wouldn’t go. I would totally flake out, even if I actually wanted to go. When I was pregnant my anxiety was overwhelming. Moving to a new city was already stressful, but being pregnant and living in a new place had me hiding in my apartment for days. After Bruce was born, my anxiety spiked. Again, never wanting to leave the house, but I wouldn’t sleep for days. I would lay in bed sobbing for hours. I questioned if I was good enough to be a mom. I felt like I was being a terrible wife. My attention was hyper focused on Bruce and when it wasn’t, I was hiding in the shower crying. It took me a long time to figure out that what I was experiencing wasn’t just baby blues. I started to see a therapist and it has been the best thing for my mental health. It has made me more aware of my anxiety and has showed me the best ways to cope with it. 

One of the biggest challenges this year was balancing my new mom job, and my current one as a wife. It doesn’t matter how solid your relationship is, when you become parents, you will be tested. There were so many times I would want to choke my husband. Granted, my short temper and irritability stemmed from the lack of sleep and my anxiety. And once I was able to manage my PPD & anxiety that made me irrationally angry like 78% of the time, (the other 22% was him actually being annoying) I saw how much he was trying to be helpful and navigate his part of our parenthood journey. On top of the emotional stress we were both dealing with, we decided it was best for our family if I quit my full time job to stay home with Bruce. That meant Tyler taking on all of the financial responsibility. We created a budget and stopped spending money on unnecessary things. I was so used to spending my money how and when I wanted. I couldn’t just buy makeup or shoes because I wanted them anymore. Changing our family income was rough and we’re still trying to navigate our budget correctly. But quitting my job to stay home has been so rewarding. I’m so fortunate for this. 

This year has been so wild. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. Even though I had PPD & I’m still learning to manage my anxiety, it has taught me so much about myself. I’m a stronger mother and women for that. I’m so excited for this next year and all the adventures with Bruce and Tyler! Here’s to my first year of being a mom! CHEERS! 🥂

I Want a Puppy

We spent Thanksgiving with my in laws who live in Murrieta. It’s a small suburban town. Everyone knows everyone. They all go to the same church and Starbucks. Tyler and I met, married, and lived in Murrieta. I worked at almost every single Starbucks in the area. So when we visit any location, there’s a 90% chance I will know one person either working or a customer. We decided to head out to a Starbucks where I worked for a few years for some coffee. I get there and of course I know people working and a few customers sitting in the lobby. We have a little small talk and the subject of having a second baby comes up:

“So when are you gonna have another one?”

Okay first, fuck off. Second, you’re assuming I want a second one. You didn’t ask if we wanted a second child. We live in fucking LA! It’s expensive as shit. A second child would be financially irresponsible for us right now. And more importantly, you don’t know someone’s situation. Asking “when are you gonna have another one?” is putting a lot of pressure on a couple. I struggle with postpartum anxiety. Just thinking about having a second child overwhelms me. My sister has two kids and she fucking kills it. She’s amazing but I couldn’t do it. Not like this. My anxiety got me fucked up! There are so many situations a couple may not want to have a second child right away or even at all. So instead of asking “When?”, ask how momma is doing. Or don’t ask anything. Give her a Starbucks gift card and walk away.

Then the conversation of having a second child turns into trying to convince my husband and I that we SHOULD have a second.

“But you HAVE to have a second one!”

I don’t have to do shit, Becky.

“But he’ll be lonely!”

Luckily Bruce has baby friends and cousins.

“It’ll be easier with two because they can keep each other entertained.”

I’m sure it is. But I already said no.

“You’ll change your mind.”

LOL! Honestly, fuck you.

If someone doesn’t offer up the information about having a second (or third or whatever!) child, then you probably shouldn’t ask. If you do ask and they say no, accept that. Don’t fucking ask why and don’t try to persuade them. I think that’s what really pissed me off the most. I said what I said, Gina, now back off. When I get this anxiety under control, and we’re making six figures, AND Bruce can wipe his own ass, OH AND I lose a cool 50 pounds. Then maybe we’ll get a puppy. But we’re good with the three of us. Thanks.

His Breathing is Annoying AF

Sometimes I want the throat punch my husband. He can’t ever find his shit or remember to close the bathroom door so Bruce doesn’t play in the toilet. But he can tell you what comic issue Batman and Superman became best buds and formed The Justice League. WTF. Marriage (or any long term commitment) has its ups and downs but when you throw a baby in that bitch, it gets wild.

I know I don’t have to say this but I will for all you basic ass Betties. “I LoVe mY hUsBaND hE’s tHe bEsT! I KnOw i’M lUcKy tO hAvE sUcH a SuPpOrTiVe mAn…” Blah blah blah… he still gets on my damn nerves and sometimes I hate him.

It’s okay to feel like your baby daddy is annoying as shit. I guess it’s something that happens all the time after you have a baby. So you’re not alone my mom friend! Just like pregnancy and motherhood, everyone wants to share the good and pretty stuff. But they aren’t willing to talk about the rough patches and the ugly parts. Now don’t get it twisted homegirl, I’m not talking shit about my husband and there’s no dirty laundry to air out. This is the reality. My husband is annoying as fuck.

It’s totally irrational and I’m sure it has a lot to do with hormones and sleep deprivation, but man sometimes he pisses me off. Like skin burning, seething anger over weird small things. Like after a long day with Bruce being extra clingy, my husband tried to comfort me by putting his hand on my shoulder. I literally recoiled. I was so angry. Bruce had been attached to my tit all damn day and I wanted my body to be mine for a second and HE TOUCHED ME! HE FUCKING TOUCHED ME! I’M GONNA MURDER HIM! Or when he’s rushing me to get out the door and I’m trying to get a diaper bag packed, a onesie on a feisty 6 month old, and put on concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes. Or like when he is breathing too loud near me. I want to smother him.

So of course these little annoyances build up. And then one day I looked at him and I was like, I hate his guts. Now obviously I don’t hate my husband. There is no reason to hate him. He’s a great man, husband, and most importantly, dad. So I had to take a moment to figure out what the fuck was up. I was getting annoyed when he wouldn’t do things the way I do them. So I had to remind myself that he is trying to help the way he thinks is best. And that’s fine! You don’t have to micromanage your husband. That's not cool sis. And I would get so fucking irritated when he slept in on the weekends. I was up every single day at 6a with Bruce no matter what time I went to bed. But I was letting that happen! I didn’t wake him up or tell him I wanted to sleep in. I needed to be more vocal about my needs and how he could help me. Once I wasn’t bottling things up anymore, I stopped hating him. (he’s still annoying…)

Now I’m not a marriage counselor or a therapist. This is my experience and I’m sharing it for solidarity. If you actually hate your husband, I would advise you to seek some professional help and get that shit resolved sweetie. If you have never, not once, been so annoyed by your husband, then congratulations, you’re a fucking angel, good for you bitch.

What is the most annoying thing your husband has done?

G'Night Brucey

Since Bruce was born, on and off, we bed share. Which is exactly what it sounds like, he sleeps in bed with us. No Dock a Tot, no bedside bassinet, no. (I see you Judgmental Jenny! Fuck outta here!) It made night feedings easier, I loved feeling his little toes on my belly and I liked to hear him breathing. Now that he is 8 months old, and very mobile, sleeping with him is not as fun. I wake up with his ass in my face all the time or he’ll kick my husband in the kidneys. He’s an early bird, so he’s up around 7am everyday and he likes to wake us up with a nice hair pull or head smack. So I decided to sleep train him this week. I hate it.

We first tried to sleep train Bruce when he was about 4 months old. But both Bruce and I weren’t ready. I cried. (I have learned that motherhood consist of a lot of crying and other unexplained outbursts of emotions.) We tried for about 2 hours and I completely caved. It was too heartbreaking. I wanted to hold him and rock him to sleep. Then we tried when he was 6 months old and again he wasn’t ready. I knew what to expect so I felt like I was more prepared but it was still hard and I held him until he fell asleep. I wish that I didn’t let outside thoughts and opinions force me into trying to sleep train him when I knew we weren’t ready.

If there is any advice I would hope you take from me it would be to trust your own instincts. Listen to YOUR gut (not Sally's or whothefuckever has an opinion). If you’re unsure, of course ask for help, but if it doesn’t sit well with you, don’t do it. The best thing about advice is that you don’t have to listen to it.

Now here we are. Bruce will be 9 months in about 2 weeks. We can’t sleep with him in our bed anymore. So I started our sleep training journey. I wanted to wait for the weekend so that the screams of a baby wouldn’t bother our neighbors too much. I made sure we continued with the usual bedtime routine. I nursed him for the last time that night. He was dozing off so it was time to put him in his bed. He was still awake when I laid him down and as soon as he felt me lowering him, he clung on to me and started to scream. I kissed him, said goodnight, and walked out. It’s so hard to listen to him screaming. I was so sad. I sat outside his door and listened to him.

Now, there are a few ways to help baby soothe themselves to sleep. The previous times we tried to sleep train Bruce we used the modified Ferber method. Checking in on him every few minutes, but Bruce caught on to that. He’s a stubborn boy. (I have no fucking clue where he gets that trait from…) So this time around, I had to shut the door and walk away. He cried for a while. It was getting hard for me but I could hear him getting tired. But I couldn’t handle it so I went into his room. I got into the bed with him and nursed him again and we talked for a while. He got distracted with a little bear in his crib so I snuck out. He cried for about 8 minutes and he was out after that! After a while I got curious so I made the mistake of peeking into his room. I swear, it was a scene from a horror movie. I turned my phone flash light on and shined it at Bruce. He was sitting straight up, with his back to the door, hunched over. He didn’t even move when I flashed the light on him. WHAT THE FUCK. I was so creeped out. I asked Tyler to go check on him. When he went in, he said Bruce was sitting up but he turned to face the door. He had his eyes open but he wasn’t moving. It was so fucking scary you guys. I swear I thought he was possessed. I guess he eventually fell over and passed out.

It was so bittersweet to have him sleeping in his own bed. Obviously I was so stoked to be able to stretch the fuck out in my bed, but I missed him. I woke up a few times looking for him. But we kept at it for a week. Same bedtime routine every night; dinner, a little playtime, a bath, read some books, and the last nursing session for the night, then bed. I keep a bluetooth speaker in his room and I play his favorite sleepy time music. He still whines a little bit but he’s usually out in about a minute or two. He sleeps a good 10 or 11 hours and he wakes between 6-7a everyday. Now if only we could get nap time down...

So that’s how sleep training worked for us. It’s not for everyone, or the faint of heart. It’s hard to hear your baby cry. Would I recommend it? I don’t know. To each his own honestly. What works for me, might not work for you. But to all you mommies who are trying it, good luck! 

Scrunchy but not a Hair Tie

Honestly, I fucking hate being placed into a category or label. It really doesn’t matter but reading other mom blogs and articles, it’s like a thing. But like to box yourself into a category or lifestyle just because some stupid mom blog said that is who you are, is super lame and you’re more than that. 

With that being said, what kind of mom are you!? LOL! AGAIN, it really doesn’t matter. This is all for shits and gigs, sis. Also when I was reading some mom blogs I had no idea what they were talking about when they said shit like “Crunchy Mom LYFE!”

 So here is a quick little breakdown about Crunchy, Silky, and Scrunchy moms.

Crunchy Momma- A crunchy mom would be a mother who practices holistic and natural living. Like, she may have an at home water birth and she will opt out of vaccinating. She probably exclusively breastfeeds, co-sleeps and wears her baby. During my maternity leave, I watched every single episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians and Kourtney Kardashian is literally a crunchy mom. Her sisters gave her so much shit for like living an organic holistic life. Calm down Khloe, the bitch is just tryna do what’s best for her kids. And that is all that matters. 

Silky Momma- A silky momma is a modern lady! She is pro medicated birth, she’s pro vaccines and she uses modern technology for convenience and time management. She might part time bottle feed because she’s a hard working momma. So basically, she’s the exact opposite of the crunchy mom. No shame in that, again, momma is only trying to do what is best for babe. AND ALSO WHO FUCKING CARES.

Scrunchy Momma-  A scrunchy momma is a mixture of both. She might eat organic, she might not. She might formula feed and breastfeed. She probably baby wears but won’t co-sleep. She might’ve had a hospital birth but no medication. She might use disposable diapers but make her own organic baby foods.

I would consider myself a scrunchy momma. I wanted to give birth in a hospital but I wanted no medicine (if you read Bruce’s birth story then you know that didn’t work out). I know disposable diapers are bad for the environment but I live in an apartment in LA with a shared laundry room. Cloth diapers were out of the question for me. I buy as much organic food for myself and for my baby that I can afford. But I love In n Out and we eat that at least once a week. I make my own baby food but I also buy foods when I don’t have the time to meal prep. I vaccinate on schedule. I love Bruce’s pediatrician and I trust her suggestions and her opinions. I mean she spent years in school studying medicine. I had a baby wreck my vagina, I’m no professional. But I do research and I try to find natural remedies for things like teething and resort to Tylenol when necessary. I read every label on every product I purchase and research things I don’t understand. I bed share and sometimes baby wear. 

There you go. But again, IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER WHAT THE INTERNET SAYS. Is your baby fed? Clothed? Happy? LOVED? If you answered “Duh you stupid bitch!” to all of those questions then you are ONE BAD MOTHERF*CKING* MOM! And that’s the only label that really matters.