Don't Forget Underwear

I didn’t know what to bring to the hospital. I read so many lists and watched videos of people packing their hospital bag. It seemed like a lot of unnecessary shit. So, if you are about to have a baby here is a list of what I took to the hospital and why. Maybe it can help you either limit the shit you pack or remind you to take something you’ll need.

Clothes - I packed a pair of leggings, a comfortable and kind of loose shirt, my favorite Star Wars socks, slippers, a robe, and a ton of cotton high waisted granny panties. I picked leggings and a comfortable shirt to come home in because I had no idea what kind of shape my body would be in. I saw pictures of women who would leave still looking pregnant, so yeah stretchy clothes, sis. I did look like I ate a huge burrito so I was pretty lucky considering how fucking huge I thought my baby was. I packed my favorite socks and slippers to walk around in. The hospital did give me those socks with the rubber nubs on the bottom so you don’t fall. I ended up wearing those a lot. I packed a robe for after the delivery to wear around my room. Yo! This is important. Pack underwear (bras included). When my sister told me I needed underwear, I was like, uh duh. But she was like no bitch, not that lace cute shit you wear, GRANNY PANTIES. The hospital will give you these huge fucking pads. They’re the length of my forearm, not kidding. So you’re gonna need some reliable granny panties to hold those pads in place. Don’t worry about sexy underwear for like 2 months girl. Go ahead and pack them away.

Birthing Ball & Pump - Throughout my pregnancy I bounced on this huge birthing ball, which is just one of those stupid fitness balls you can get at Target. It’s supposed to help move the baby down and prepare you for labor. So I had to have it with me at the hospital. I made my husband blow it up when we first got it. He had to take the air out because it wouldn’t fit in our car, and then he had to blow it up again when I got to my delivery room. Poor man. But I was insistent on having it and I did use it while I labored. Where is it now…

Bluetooth speaker and charger & Phone chargers - Pregnancy brain is a real fucking thing guys and it’s super easy to forget the small things. My sweet husband told me many months later that he wasn’t sure if I had pregnancy brain or if I had always been that dumb and he was just realizing it (the answer is, a little bit of both). So don’t forget your fucking phone charger! Tyler was in charge of packing that stuff because I would’ve forgotten it. We brought a small bluetooth speaker because I wanted to listen to some music while I labored. Make a fun playlist or have your partner make one for you. I told Tyler the vibe I was going for and he put together the perfect playlist. Super dope. 

Snacks - Not for you prego, they’re for your partner. You can’t eat while you labor. I’m a bad girl though. I ate while I was waiting to go into a delivery room. We packed snacks that Tyler would like. Yeah there are vending machines so if you don’t want to bring snacks bring some cash money honey. Most vending machines accept cards now too but I don’t fucking know. I didn’t get anything for them. I asked my mom to bring Oatmeal Cream Pies so I could shove a few of those in my fat mouth before I couldn’t eat again. The reason you aren’t supposed to eat while you labor is just in case something happens and you have to have surgery. Also if you’re worried about shitting while giving birth, don’t even waste your energy thinking about it. You’re more than likely gonna shit, so come to terms with that sis, ain’t no point in stressing about that. 

Baby Clothes & Carseat - I brought the baby’s diaper bag. Dumb. Pack baby shit with your shit. You’ll need one outfit but you aren’t going to be able to decide so you’ll end up bringing like three. I brought a swaddle blanket, unnecessary. I didn’t even swaddle him in it. The hospital had him swaddled in one, which I should’ve taken! Carseat, duh! I hear the hospital won’t let you take the baby home if you don’t have a carseat installed so best get on that. 

Toiletries - Toothbrush, toothpaste, body wash and a washcloth. I thought about bringing makeup but I knew I wasn’t gonna put any on. I kept it simple and essentials only. The less you pack the more space you have to take shit from the hospital!

Birth Plan - I brought a birth plan that the hospital gave me a few months before my due date to fill out and I brought a hand written one, just in case. I never pulled it out. I was able to vocalize what I wanted and if I wasn't able to Tyler knew what I wanted. Make sure you go over your birth plan with your partner or doula or whoever is in the room with you. That way if anything happens and you're not able to speak for yourself, you have someone who can and something written down.

That's it! I started to pack my bag around 36 weeks because I knew I would be super indecisive. If you're like me and can't make up your mind for shit, I would start around that time too. Tyler packed his own bag with whatever he needed or wanted. Like I said, the less you pack the more space you have to take all the freaking diapers the hospital will give you. I had such a great staff at Kaiser on Sunset in LA. They gave me so many diapers, hats and cute little newborn shirts. The nurses also gave me these ugly mesh panties, a ton of pads, some spray shit for your cooter and a squirt bottle. I’ll go into detail about all that stuff later. I hope this helped you figure out what you’re gonna need when you pack your hospital bag. 

What about you mommas who already gave birth? What did you bring in your hospital bag? Did you forget anything? 

Hello Drama, I'm Your Momma

Tv and movies portray child birth as this crazy, wild experience. The pregnant women is screaming and sweaty. The husband is panicking and pissing her off. If she has family there, they are in the way and super fucking annoying. It’s not always like that but it's pretty fucking close. I thought I was prepared for it. We took a birthing class and I watched tons of birthing videos and I wrote out different birth plans. I made Tyler drive us around to find different ways to the hospital because living in LA, who the fuck knows what traffic is going to look like. I laugh at it now, it’s like Bruce heard everything I was planning and was like, “LOL BITCH! YOU’RE ON MY TIME.” 

Six days after my sweet little baby’s due date, I had a membrane sweep. Ever heard of one? It fucking sucks. My sister told me she had one. I saw pictures of it. It looked pretty painful but I thought I was some badass bitch (I am) so it didn’t seem like a big deal to me. I saw a midwife and she checked my cervix, I was 1 centimeter dilated and 0% effaced. This midwife was the sweetest women I had ever met. She told me that it was gonna be painful and if I needed her to stop, tell her. I was like, “okay she doesn’t know how much of a badass I am.” BITCH! I wanted to tell her to stop because it hurt so bad but I’m stubborn and I always have something to prove to no one but myself. LET! ME! TELL! YOU! She was ELBOW DEEP IN MY VAGINA GIRL! AND IT FUCKING HURT. I can-fucking-not describe the amount of pain I was in!

For those of you who don’t know what a membrane sweep is, let me explain. So your physician or midwife will insert their index finger into your cervix. They will stretch that shit and separate the amniotic sac from the cervix. That is supposed to help kick start you into labor. So imagine this women, with her arm, ELBOW DEEP YALL, into my vagina “sweeping” it and yanking around up there! It felt like she was fucking rearranging organs! I like to think I’m pretty tough and I have a high pain tolerance, but that was brutal AF. I’m traumatized from it. I will never do it again.

photo from momjunction.com

The next day I was super sore so I kept it low key. I went for a short walk and I had some mild contractions. For lunch, Tyler's cousin brought me some spicy pasta. Spicy stuff is supposed to help start labor and I was trying to get this baby out. Nothing happened, so I went to the store to get a pineapple because that can help start labor too. While I was cutting the pineapple I felt like I had to pee so I went to sit on the toilet and I felt a huge gush! I was like…okaaaaay, I didn’t pee! I looked and there was some weird red shit in the toilet. At our birthing class the doula told us that it’s rare for your water to break, but if it does, remember TACO. T-time A-amount C-color O-odor. ‘It’s 5:31p. I don’t know the amount. Fuck fuck. It felt like a lot. Color? Clear with some red shit in there. Jesus, that's gross… Odor? I have to smell it!? Fuck fuck! Oh it doesn’t smell like anything. Okay…’ “BAAAABE...my water broke!”  I was so ready! I got so excited but super calm at the same time. We grabbed the bags, carseat and the pineapple. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. It’s 6p on a Tuesday in LA.

Traffic sucked. But when we finally got to the hospital, the nurses didn't believe me when I said my water broke. When the doctor finally checked she was like “Oh wow you do have some fluid leaking.” Bitch, I fucking told you! But I wasn’t having regular contractions and they weren’t painful. So I ate oatmeal cream pies in the hospital bed and took pictures of myself in the mesh panties and giant pads. I walked around the hospital to get contractions started but my cute baby boy plugged up my cervix and was like “Nah bitch. I’m chilling in here.” Fuck. 

Chillin!

LOL! Look at me smiling and playing around. I had no idea what was about to happen. 

I had this idea of what I wanted to happen during my labor and delivery. I knew it would be rough but I was excited to see what my body was capable of. I wanted this au naturale, no medication, relaxing but fun (Fun?? Wtf was I thinking) birth. Tyler put together a playlist of dope female artists so I could feel like a badass while my vagina was being wrecked. I had a birthing ball to bounce on to help with contractions. We had a safe word in case I decided that I needed pain meds. I thought this was gonna take about 10 hours MAX! I had no fucking clue. You can plan and take all the fucking birthing classes available to you. But the reality is, it's not up to you girl. Plan all you want sis, but when it comes down to it, that baby is gonna decide how and when its time to come out. You have little to no control! 

Since my baby refused to come out, even though his damn water bag popped, I had to have medication to induce labor. Its called pitocin. And its a fucking fiery bitch. I got into my room around 10pm. It starts to become a blur so I’ll do my best to recount what I remember. They gave me a low dose of pitocin and that shit didn’t do anything so the kept increasing it every couple of hours. Slowly my contractions got stronger but I wasn’t fucking dilating and I was getting pissed. And because my water broke they didn’t want to check my cervix too often because of the risk of infection. I denied the nurses each time they offered pain medication. Big mistake!

Okay so here’s the timeline so far. We got to the hospital Tuesday evening. They started pitocin later that night, around 11pm. I was able to sleep a little but my contractions were getting strong. Around 3:30a I looked at the clock and laughed because on a normal day I would’ve been getting up to go to work. Later on that morning, I was dilated at 3 centimeters, so they increased the pitocin. Its all kind of blurry here. The contractions were blindingly painful and they were happening every 2-6 minutes. I had to piss at one point and I had a contraction while trying to stand up. God, I will never forget that pain, I broke down and cried. It was getting overwhelming. I wasn’t allowed to eat and I couldn’t sleep because the contractions were so strong. I was fucking exhausted and I wasn’t dilating fast enough. I checked the clock and it had been over 24 hours since my water broke and my contractions started. Tyler started to get worried about my mental state. We talked a little about getting an epidural but I was trying to hold out. Remember the midwife who gave me the membrane sweep? She was on call that day and she popped in. She said she saw my name on the board and wanted to see how I was doing. I told her what was going on, she smiled and said “You have to do whats best for you. If you have the medication you can rest and be ready to push when the time comes.” I started crying, I did not want to have a stupid epidural but there was no way I was going to have the strength to push. I told Tyler to grab a nurse and ask for the medication. We didn’t even use the stupid fucking safe word. I couldn’t remember it. 

I fucking finally got to sleep for a few hours. But of course, my baby somehow got turned the wrong direction. So while I was heavily medicated, a nurse would have to come flip my body to get the baby to turn. At one point I woke up to these wild alarms going off and the nurse came running in because the baby’s heart rate dropped. Of fucking course. He wouldn’t make a quiet exit. He had to give everyone a fucking show. Seven long ass hours after the epidural my body was ready to get him out! We started pushing around 2:30a. He refused to come out. I didn’t realize how hard I was pushing until later that day. I got the courage to look at my raggedy ass in the mirror. My face and eyeballs were red from popped blood vessels. The doctor told me if I didn’t push harder they would have to use a vacuum and that scared the shit out of me. Tyler was at my left and he had my leg in his arm. I asked him to pull my leg up and help me push. I saw my mom behind the doctor, cheering me on "Push baby! PUSH!" I pushed so hard and finally that little shit (the baby, not literal shit. But I did shit when they told me to push the first time. It happens!) came out at 3:18am. The doctor gave him the nickname Drama, like from Entourage. I've never seen that show.

If you look closely you can see the 36+ hours of labor on my face.

Meet Drama!

I F*cking Hated Being Pregnant

I know that other women cannot have babies and there are women who have worse pregnancies than I do, but that doesn’t mean how I felt about my pregnancy isn’t valid. I hate the mindset of “Be grateful!” It makes women feel like they can’t express their true frustrations. We feel like we don’t have a safe place to vent. Someone is saying “Stop complaining, you should be grateful you were even able to get pregnant!” Shut. The. Fuck. Up. The last thing a hormonal women who is already self conscience and puking her guts out needs, is someone making her feel even shittier. So do her a favor, nod your head and get her a fucking chocolate milkshake. 

I hated being pregnant. I learned a lot about myself during that lifelong time period. I learned that I hated arugula. I ordered this amazing salad for dinner and it was good until about half way through. I started to feel sick and when I got home, I barfed! My sweet amazing douchebag husband got pictures of me hunched over the toilet. So fun, so cute. I lost so much weight because I couldn’t eat and I fucking love food. One night I was in bed and I was so frustrated with being so sick all the damn time, I started crying. It’s kind of funny looking back on it now, but in that moment I was so angry and hungry but like nauseous at the same time. My poor husband had no idea what to do. He hugged me and patted my head. 

I can't eat arugula again.

I can't eat arugula again.

One of my favorite memories of my awful morning sickness was a trip to Disneyland with my friends. I told them I was having bad morning sickness so I could puke while we were at the park. The smells at Disneyland made me so sick. I gagged the whole time BUT I never puked so that was cool. oh oh! Here's a good puke story! This is my favorite! I was 6 months pregnant and still getting sick. (I heard it would only last up until the 3rd month…lies.) I was coming home from my friend’s bridal shower and I decided to stop at my favorite pho place before I went home. My stomach was a little uneasy but it had been a good day with no puking or gagging so I thought pho would be a good dinner. While I ate, my stomach turned sour and I got super clammy. I fucking knew I was gonna blow chunks. So I paid and ran out thinking that I could make it home to puke in the privacy of my bathroom. But my stomach was like, no bitch, its gotta come out NOW. So I stood there in the parking lot and hurled. It splashed up onto my ankles and got all over my shoes. AND THEN! I lost control of my bladder and pee trickled down my leg…
I have seen so many movies, commercials, and TV shows that made pregnancy seem so beautiful. The pregnant women was glowing! She looked so happy! She was fucking gorgeous! And I was a vomit and urine soaked unhappy lump of lard. I got in my car, texted my best friend and told him how I pissed myself in a parking lot. I knew he’d think it was funny and picturing his dumb face laughing made it easier for me to laugh at myself. I went home, showered and passed out. I fucking hated being pregnant. 

So many people told me that I would forget about my morning sickness as soon as I saw my baby. When he was born and after they cleaned him up, they gave him to me. I looked at his beautiful little smushed face and said “So, you’re the little shit who made me so sick.”

I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET!

Tell me your favorite “morning” sickness story. 

I didn't really want to do maternity photos but I ended up having so much fun and they came out pretty good. 

I didn't really want to do maternity photos but I ended up having so much fun and they came out pretty good.