Mental Health Awareness

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. So let’s talk about my mental health! 😬 

I talked about it before, but I had some major anxiety and depression after Bruce was born. I went to therapy and it really helped me understand a lot of things about myself. I learned how to cope with my anxiety and manage my moods. But it opened up some things in my past and helped me realize that I had been living with anxiety for years and I wasn’t coping in a healthy way. 

My anxiety started when I was a teenager. My parents split up and I didn’t know how to cope with that. I became emotionally shut off and I never let anyone see anything but happiness. I believed that if I cracked just a little and showed some type of vulnerability, people would be able to hurt me. I had friends but I always felt like they were around because of my older brother. When people showed the tiniest interest in me, I felt like they were just trying to get my walls down to use it against me. Looking back now, it’s so exhausting to be so damn guarded all the time. I was only 16! Of course I had all the normal insecure teenager bullshit but on top of that my anxiety about people and my family had me fucking wrecked.

I am not going into details about some things that occurred in my life that caused my anxiety to heighten just yet. Maybe in another post. Some of it is just too personal to dive into with strangers. Some of it is just bat fucking shit crazy! But I had been living with anxiety and had no idea. I would have anxiety attacks and I thought that it was normal. I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and have nightmares about my younger siblings all the time. After having Bruce, I was experiencing these crazy feelings and they felt familiar. When I finally shared everything with my therapist, she helped me see it all. I had been dealing with anxiety as a teenager and eventually I was able to numb myself to it but I never dealt with it in a healthy way. So when I became a mother it came flooding back to me. I finally had a name, a reason, a cause, for why I was having a hard time mothering my sweet boy. 

So with the help of therapy, I’ve been able to manage my anxiety without medication (for now). Of course I have some rough days when I can’t leave my apartment and I lay in bed with some heavy doubt and worry. But I finally know what’s going on and fight it. It’s so important to take care of your mental health! Talk about it! Let’s break the stigma! You’re never alone. See a therapist. Take the medication if you need to. Write in a journal. TALK! I honestly can’t say it enough. I wish that I talked about how I felt when I was a kid. Instead I resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms and that’s resulted in a lot of unresolved issues that I had to confront at 27! So one more time just in case you missed it. TALK ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. You always have an open line here! 🖤✌🏾

Heigh Ho! It’s off to work I go...

A mom friend once mentioned that she was going through some financial struggles and she felt like she was the only one. To her, the rest of us seemed like we had our shit together. I felt bad that she thought she was alone. I understand that we always want to put our best foot forward and on social media we love to share ONLY the good. But when you become a single income family, your financial priorities definitely shift. 

Before I gave birth, the plan was for me to go back to work full time. A little background for those of you who don’t know. I was working at Starbucks as a supervisor. I had a plan to finish my development into a management position. That job was my baby before Bruce. I worked really fucking hard and I loved what I did. Of course after Bruce was born, my “passion” for that job totally disappeared. I didn’t want to go back to work, I wanted to stay home. But could we financially make this happen? After spending a lot of time researching child care and budgeting out the costs, it didn’t make sense for me to continue to work at a job that I no longer loved, to pay for the child care I would need to stay at said job. So after my maternity leave, I turned in my letter of resignation and gave away my aprons. 

Okay fast forward to now times. Unfortunately for us, Tyler was laid off from his job. Let me tell you... this shit is so scary. The company he worked for was being absorbed and they needed to downsize. So he knew that it was coming and we were able to prepare as much as we could. But we had to come up with a contingency plan if he wasn’t able to find a job soon enough. I knew that I would be eligible for rehire at Starbucks and I knew that I made enough working there to cover us for a while. Money would be really fucking tight but I knew we could make it work. And now she’s back at Starbucks full time, slinging beans and kicking ass. It’s hard to get up at 3a and leave Bruce. I miss him all day long. But you know, a momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do.

Anyway I just wanted to share that. It doesn’t matter what shit people post on IG or what they may look like when you see them. They have struggles too. You are not alone when it comes to financial struggles, body issues, PPD, or having an annoying ass husband. Reach out to your friends and talk. You never know, she might be going through the same shit as you. 🤷🏽‍♀️

shirt- @herlittlewolves  

shirt- @herlittlewolves  

MOM BOD

Let’s talk about MOM BODS. 

I follow this momma on Instagram, @somethingcustom, who has the coolest content and the cutest babe who is like a day older than Bruce. She’s so cute you guys, seriously! The other day she posted a picture of her mom bod and it literally sparked something in me. I have been so hard on myself about my body after giving birth. I have not accepted this new body as quickly as I thought I would. It is so hard for me to look at myself and be okay with what I see in the mirror. Sure, I could work out more & change my eating habits but it’s not just about the weight. Your body completely changes after you give birth. My hips are wider, my boobs are bigger & with that comes saggy baggies (😑), and I’m a freaking tiger with all these damn stretch marks. For the things I don’t have that Kim K coin for, I need to learn to accept. And I want to help other moms, and women in general, learn to love and accept the stretch marks, and saggy baggies you can’t change. It’s time to love our mom bods. They have created and sustained not only our own life but someone else’s. It’s amazing. You’re beautiful, your body has done a beautiful thing! Love her and treat her with kindness. And don’t be afraid to show her! The more we show her off and normalize the realities of motherhood, the easier it is for everyone to accept it and the less critical we are of ourselves. So here’s my freaking mom bod!

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Insomnia is a B*TCH!

It’s 1:59am. It’s so damn cold but I’m scared to turn the heater on because of carbon monoxide poisoning and I don’t trust the alarm. So I’ve checked on Bruce four, maybe five, times to make sure he’s warm and cozy. My anxiety has been out of control the last few days. I can’t seem to get a hold on what is triggering it. It could be sleep deprivation, we are going through a rough sleep regression. And of course when my anxiety gets wild, I can’t sleep. Which is why I’m here now.

Hi. So how’s it going? How’s motherhood for all of you? It’s been an adventure here. Bruce just had his 12 month check up. I was really excited for him to see his doctor, I love her she’s the best. Bruce is a solid 21 pounds and 30.9 inches. They measured his height twice because they were surprised at how tall he is. My poor little guy had to get some vaccines. It was tough but he did great and we treated him to ice cream afterwards. When I was a kid I hated getting shots. I would fight the nurses every time. I would scream and cry. My parents could tell you some horror stories about me. They could tell you a lot of terrible things... LOL! My mom told me I was going to get a child just like me. Sweet Jesus, I hope not. I wasn’t a bad kid but I definitely wasn’t an angel. I was free spirited! I cut my own hair, I liked to tell “stories”, and I beat up some kid who lived down the street. But each time (yes it was more than once) he deserved it. If Bruce is anything like me, it’ll be fine! I know all the tricks that I pulled as a kid so I’ll be prepared. 

I’m finally feeling a bit tired now. I’m gonna check on Bruce one last time before I finally retire. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!