Tv and movies portray child birth as this crazy, wild experience. The pregnant women is screaming and sweaty. The husband is panicking and pissing her off. If she has family there, they are in the way and super fucking annoying. It’s not always like that but it's pretty fucking close. I thought I was prepared for it. We took a birthing class and I watched tons of birthing videos and I wrote out different birth plans. I made Tyler drive us around to find different ways to the hospital because living in LA, who the fuck knows what traffic is going to look like. I laugh at it now, it’s like Bruce heard everything I was planning and was like, “LOL BITCH! YOU’RE ON MY TIME.”
Six days after my sweet little baby’s due date, I had a membrane sweep. Ever heard of one? It fucking sucks. My sister told me she had one. I saw pictures of it. It looked pretty painful but I thought I was some badass bitch (I am) so it didn’t seem like a big deal to me. I saw a midwife and she checked my cervix, I was 1 centimeter dilated and 0% effaced. This midwife was the sweetest women I had ever met. She told me that it was gonna be painful and if I needed her to stop, tell her. I was like, “okay she doesn’t know how much of a badass I am.” BITCH! I wanted to tell her to stop because it hurt so bad but I’m stubborn and I always have something to prove to no one but myself. LET! ME! TELL! YOU! She was ELBOW DEEP IN MY VAGINA GIRL! AND IT FUCKING HURT. I can-fucking-not describe the amount of pain I was in!
For those of you who don’t know what a membrane sweep is, let me explain. So your physician or midwife will insert their index finger into your cervix. They will stretch that shit and separate the amniotic sac from the cervix. That is supposed to help kick start you into labor. So imagine this women, with her arm, ELBOW DEEP YALL, into my vagina “sweeping” it and yanking around up there! It felt like she was fucking rearranging organs! I like to think I’m pretty tough and I have a high pain tolerance, but that was brutal AF. I’m traumatized from it. I will never do it again.
The next day I was super sore so I kept it low key. I went for a short walk and I had some mild contractions. For lunch, Tyler's cousin brought me some spicy pasta. Spicy stuff is supposed to help start labor and I was trying to get this baby out. Nothing happened, so I went to the store to get a pineapple because that can help start labor too. While I was cutting the pineapple I felt like I had to pee so I went to sit on the toilet and I felt a huge gush! I was like…okaaaaay, I didn’t pee! I looked and there was some weird red shit in the toilet. At our birthing class the doula told us that it’s rare for your water to break, but if it does, remember TACO. T-time A-amount C-color O-odor. ‘It’s 5:31p. I don’t know the amount. Fuck fuck. It felt like a lot. Color? Clear with some red shit in there. Jesus, that's gross… Odor? I have to smell it!? Fuck fuck! Oh it doesn’t smell like anything. Okay…’ “BAAAABE...my water broke!” I was so ready! I got so excited but super calm at the same time. We grabbed the bags, carseat and the pineapple. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. It’s 6p on a Tuesday in LA.
Traffic sucked. But when we finally got to the hospital, the nurses didn't believe me when I said my water broke. When the doctor finally checked she was like “Oh wow you do have some fluid leaking.” Bitch, I fucking told you! But I wasn’t having regular contractions and they weren’t painful. So I ate oatmeal cream pies in the hospital bed and took pictures of myself in the mesh panties and giant pads. I walked around the hospital to get contractions started but my cute baby boy plugged up my cervix and was like “Nah bitch. I’m chilling in here.” Fuck.
I had this idea of what I wanted to happen during my labor and delivery. I knew it would be rough but I was excited to see what my body was capable of. I wanted this au naturale, no medication, relaxing but fun (Fun?? Wtf was I thinking) birth. Tyler put together a playlist of dope female artists so I could feel like a badass while my vagina was being wrecked. I had a birthing ball to bounce on to help with contractions. We had a safe word in case I decided that I needed pain meds. I thought this was gonna take about 10 hours MAX! I had no fucking clue. You can plan and take all the fucking birthing classes available to you. But the reality is, it's not up to you girl. Plan all you want sis, but when it comes down to it, that baby is gonna decide how and when its time to come out. You have little to no control!
Since my baby refused to come out, even though his damn water bag popped, I had to have medication to induce labor. Its called pitocin. And its a fucking fiery bitch. I got into my room around 10pm. It starts to become a blur so I’ll do my best to recount what I remember. They gave me a low dose of pitocin and that shit didn’t do anything so the kept increasing it every couple of hours. Slowly my contractions got stronger but I wasn’t fucking dilating and I was getting pissed. And because my water broke they didn’t want to check my cervix too often because of the risk of infection. I denied the nurses each time they offered pain medication. Big mistake!
Okay so here’s the timeline so far. We got to the hospital Tuesday evening. They started pitocin later that night, around 11pm. I was able to sleep a little but my contractions were getting strong. Around 3:30a I looked at the clock and laughed because on a normal day I would’ve been getting up to go to work. Later on that morning, I was dilated at 3 centimeters, so they increased the pitocin. Its all kind of blurry here. The contractions were blindingly painful and they were happening every 2-6 minutes. I had to piss at one point and I had a contraction while trying to stand up. God, I will never forget that pain, I broke down and cried. It was getting overwhelming. I wasn’t allowed to eat and I couldn’t sleep because the contractions were so strong. I was fucking exhausted and I wasn’t dilating fast enough. I checked the clock and it had been over 24 hours since my water broke and my contractions started. Tyler started to get worried about my mental state. We talked a little about getting an epidural but I was trying to hold out. Remember the midwife who gave me the membrane sweep? She was on call that day and she popped in. She said she saw my name on the board and wanted to see how I was doing. I told her what was going on, she smiled and said “You have to do whats best for you. If you have the medication you can rest and be ready to push when the time comes.” I started crying, I did not want to have a stupid epidural but there was no way I was going to have the strength to push. I told Tyler to grab a nurse and ask for the medication. We didn’t even use the stupid fucking safe word. I couldn’t remember it.
I fucking finally got to sleep for a few hours. But of course, my baby somehow got turned the wrong direction. So while I was heavily medicated, a nurse would have to come flip my body to get the baby to turn. At one point I woke up to these wild alarms going off and the nurse came running in because the baby’s heart rate dropped. Of fucking course. He wouldn’t make a quiet exit. He had to give everyone a fucking show. Seven long ass hours after the epidural my body was ready to get him out! We started pushing around 2:30a. He refused to come out. I didn’t realize how hard I was pushing until later that day. I got the courage to look at my raggedy ass in the mirror. My face and eyeballs were red from popped blood vessels. The doctor told me if I didn’t push harder they would have to use a vacuum and that scared the shit out of me. Tyler was at my left and he had my leg in his arm. I asked him to pull my leg up and help me push. I saw my mom behind the doctor, cheering me on "Push baby! PUSH!" I pushed so hard and finally that little shit (the baby, not literal shit. But I did shit when they told me to push the first time. It happens!) came out at 3:18am. The doctor gave him the nickname Drama, like from Entourage. I've never seen that show.