That's a lot of Blood...

Many women say they had no idea what to expect after giving birth. I knew what to expect, my sister told me everything! She's the best. You should get one like her. On top of the crazy hormones going on, you’re bleeding from your vagina and you might get hemorrhoids. If you’re breastfeeding your nipples are bleeding and you are leaking from your tits while you sleep. It’s a lot and if you’re a working Momma, you’re expected to return to work…haha! That’s fucking crazy. (We should be fighting for longer maternity AND paternity leaves, but that's a subject for another time.)

Remember the huge pads I said the hospital will give you? Get as many as you can girl, because you’re gonna fill those babies up. I mean it. You will be draining for weeks. I finally stopped bleeding for good at about 8 weeks postpartum. Thats so long. I can’t even imagine going back to work in that state. Eventually you can use normal sized pads but you’re gonna wanna keep those granny panties in rotation for a minute. Forget about those cute floral thongs girl, it’s not worth it. 

My baby has a huge head. So naturally, he shredded my vagina. I opted out of an episiotomy because, well I didn’t fucking want one. After pushing out the placenta, I was watching my doctor sow my cooter up. It felt like it was taking forever so I asked him what the fuck was up! And he said AND I QUOTE “Well, your tear is a bit eccentric.” What the fuck does that mean? I don’t know. Someone told me, “I had a 2nd degree tear, what about you?”….I had an eccentric degree tear bitch I don’t know! But I must’ve been wrecked because it took forever to sow up and forever for the stitches to heal. Luckily the hospital gives you Dermoplast Pain Relieving Spray. I still have some! I fucking sprayed my vag down after I used the bathroom every time. They also give you this little squirt bottle to hose your lady flower down after you pee. You can’t wipe homegirl. You gotta drip dry. I had some friends who told me not to check it out down there afterwards but I was curious. I grabbed a little hand mirror to make sure my vag was still in tact. It wasn't. 

Fuck, and your first poop….That’s some real traumatizing shit, literally. I was so scared. I wanted to have my first poop at the hospital in case I tore my stitches open, but I didn’t poop until I got home. My stitches didn’t tear but it took me like 20 minutes to even get the courage to push and it hurt. I thought I ripped all over again! I was sweating so much! The second poop isn’t as scary and you get better at it. The squirt bottle! SIS! It makes the bathroom experience easier. Fill that baby up with some warm water and hose her down! It makes peeing and pooping less painful. Spray your girlfriend with the pain relieving spray, change your huge ass pad and you’re set!   

I thought pooping was going to be there worst part and it pretty much was. But then I started to experience something weird, like why does pooping hurt so bad? Like damn am I constipated? No. I had freaking hemorrhoids. If you don’t know what those are then google it. I don’t know exactly how to explain it but they hang out your asshole. It's so scary because it fucking hurts while you poop and there's blood everywhere! So get yourself some creams and wipes girl. The wipes will help with the cleanup and the creams help soothe the irritation. Hemorrhoids and stitches make pooping a nightmare. Prepare yourself girlfriend! 

You get to deal with all that while breastfeeding and being sleep deprived! Oh and of course your hormones are wild and you can't stop crying ever! Then you start to think "OMG! Is this my life now? Am I just going to be a butt bleeding cow forever? Will my vagina ever look the same again!?" It’s such a good time. We are so lucky. I love it. I miss it so much...

If you’re pregnant, are you scared about your first poop? If the answer is no then I didn’t scare you enough. If you already had your sweet babe, how was your first poop?